The “Spinning Plates” Effect
I remember a time in my late teens/early twenties when I felt like I was juggling too much yet wasn’t sure why I was feeling this way. It felt like I was failing to meet expectations but couldn’t figure out where this feeling was coming from. I was a student, a son, a friend and an employee at a new job. It felt like I was barely getting by in fulfilling my responsibilities in each role.
We wear different “hats” in our life. Different roles that need our undivided attention at different times in our everyday life. The dependable daughter, the emotionally available wife, the patient and loving father, the solid object in your circle of friends, the list continues for miles. These roles create anxiety trying to keep up with the tasks each role demands. So much so that we lose our sense of true self in the process.
This constant juggling of expectations others have for you creates a feeling of " spinning plates". Once you focus your attention on one role, you feel this sense that you're not living up to your expectation in another role. Suddenly the plate starts to wobble. You rush over to address this role to keep it spinning, but sure enough another one of the 4-5 plates begin to wobble. Then you run back to spin it, etc… No wonder you’re exhausted at the end of the day.
If you feel stuck in this process, try to keep three things in mind to help you find your true self:
Were these expectations created by you?
Were these ideals of what makes a good mother, trusted friend, great student, always dependable employee, responsible co-parent set by you or are they imprinted on you by someone else? If they were another person’s expectation of you then you may find yourself feeling an undercurrent of frustration and loss of voice in the person you want to be. You have a say in who you want to be every morning you wake up regardless of what others expect from you now or in the past.
When your expectations focus on the values you find important, you feel a sense of purpose and control over your life. When these expectations were set by unreasonable parents who never took your opinion into account, then spending everyday trying to live up to their ghostly expectations can be re-triggering.
2. Allow Space for “Good enough”
There is no one standing over your shoulder all day long with a clipboard keeping score on your mistakes. Yet it sometimes feels as though a person from our past or a piece of ourself is constantly peppering you with negative statements when they see small mistakes.
Holding onto a mistake made yesterday for hours/days is unsustainable. Sooner or later you will become emotionally exhausted of the negative baggage you ask yourself to carry throughout the day.
Being compassionate and patient with yourself is key.
Every morning we awaken with an infinite amount of potential. We can try to focus on perfection, but after about ten minutes awake you’ve probably already made 2- 3 mistakes. No one is perfect. You don't expect perfection from your children, coworkers or friends, because deep down you know it to be unreasonable. So why keep the perfectionist attitude towards yourself?
Exercise: At the end of the day you can ask yourself:
a. Did you try your best?
b. What were your successes?
c. What did you learn today about yourself?
d. What are your goals tomorrow?
None of these options include beating yourself up for an awkward comment at work , forgetting to do a laundry load or something you did in frustration. You still take the time to learn from the decisions you made in the day but the key is to not pick yourself a part. Hence “what did you learn today about yourself?” is a question focused on inner growth and allows you to acknowledge mistakes in a healthier way.
3. Priorities Change with time, it's ok (and healthy)
What was important earlier in your life changes over time. Growing a family, getting a promotion at work, deciding to move on from a toxic relationship, these life shifts make you focus on new roles in your life. It is ok (and healthy) to let go of the expectations of certain roles to focus on ones you find to be the most rewarding.
An example was a woman whose elderly mother would regularly give her "guilt trip" statements whenever she couldn't run errands for her. Her mother was physically and mentally capable of running errands herself but still relied on her daughter, the client, throughout the week. The client felt a tug of guilt for prioritizing her two children and her own work schedule demands. The client felt sad for her mother since her parents divorced 10 years before, but with her growing family and recent promotion at work, she knew that she was burning herself out. Small things began to get to her irritated, she felt that her mother was taking her kindness for granted and she had issues establishing a clear boundary.
Finally, after a series of discussions in which she spoke about what areas of her life needed her attention most and reminding herself that she cannot be everything to everyone, she came up with a loving, yet firm way to establish a boundary with her mother. This allowed the client to remind herself that lessening the plates to juggle, though difficult, helped her to create a balanced lifestyle and positive expectation of the person she is.